6. During my nine hours a week commuting on the road is when I have the most time to introspect. I try to avoid phonecalls, instead listening to music or podcasts or sitting in silence until I start talking to myself. 😂 But seriously I talk to myself to walk myself through perplexing situations, to be gentle on myself when the negative thoughts cloud my mind and to avoid having to deal with the guy swearing at me as I cut him off. With nearly three years of this commute, my time on the road has become important for me as time to get away from my phone and people and to truly process things going on in all the facets of my life. I complain endlessly about the two hours it'll take me in traffic but in that time, I'm amazed at the connections my mind makes, the weird little things that come together. I'm amazed at the choreography that I complete, the lyrics I memorize, the decisions I finally make, the songs I know every last beat of and the incredible knowledge I soak up. I get quality time to think things through and just be, which is a luxury that I forgot about in college.
I'm also pretty sure this is the face I make on the majority of the journey, especially when I think about equal pay and how I'm making $8000-10000 less than my white male peers. Here's to introspection, wherever and whenever and however it is facilitated. #100daysofgratitude #100daysofpratyahara #bbhmm
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#smile #praisethegirls #light #liveauthentic #neverstopexploring #keepitwild #watchthisinstagood #indianstyle #indianfashion #smile #justdoit #travel #grandmastyle #grandmavibes #portrait #driving #oldsoul #browngirl #bindi #fashiongirls #whatdoyouknow #brotherlylove #introspection #commutelife #driving #browneyes #roadwarrior
5. Since last year, I've been on the run. Chasing everything under the sun.
My faith left far behind, clinging desperately and unsatisfactorily to anything in which no moral fault I could find.
Bitter and worn, trying to find balance between my politics and my faith, I'm torn.
New views, crazy news, different crews, in the middle of the pain, it's easy to be a recluse.
Oh God, where do I go, when it is you and your solace I crave when I feel the most low.
When I drink away my doubts and laugh away my fear, I feel your presence, you become more clear.
Help me grow my love for you, protect me from your "people", it disgusts me, the things they do in your name under your steeple.
I need a purpose, something tangible to understand, flailing in this cold water, all I've got is your hand.
And even when I wriggle out of your grasp, even when I slip, my body, mind and soul are wired to be grateful for how the situation can flip.
Forgetting you doesn't feel like an option, being born into a family of devotees - your name, your fame, your pastimes my natural adoption.
So I keep running.
I run so fast I lose my breath, I lose sleep, I lose me -to the point that I think I've finally lost you.
I close my eyes, sink in deep and weep. Can you hear me now?
I test the waters, my voice falters, I hear you from inside of me, where you've been all along, holding space, pushing me to where I'm supposed to be.
I quiet, I try to fight it. "Let me live, how much more can I give?
I am in charge of my actions, there is nothing pre-planned, nothing is an ordained infraction." In the deafening silence of my defiance I hear your resigned compliance. "My dear, I run with you, just so we are clear, when you need me, when you're ready, I'll always be inside of you, right here." #100daysofturninginwards #100daysofpratyahara
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#narasimhadev #faith #mantra #mahamantra #gurukuli #secondgeneration #vrindavan #ishtadev #bhakti #yoga #spiritual #spirituality #god #religion #portraits #nrsimha #narasingha #prayer #petition #poetry #gaudiya #vaishnava #india #devotee #dharma #instagood #loss #preachersdaughter #spirituality
4. I thought long and hard about what could possibly encapsulate my realizations today because I got to spend some quality time with my favorite human on the planet, my mom. We got to talking about all kinds of things, eating brunch and listening to a lot of hip hop. I am aware of how lucky I am that I have the kind of parent who would indulge her daughter's rant about Lil Uzi Vert's flow and rewind Bad and Boujee three times to get to the "dat way" portion so that I could point the exact moment in the Walk it Talk It video where Jamie Foxx shows that the culture is dat way. We went to the LA temple, where our journey as family began, to sing prayers at the tops of our voices. Then we listened to the entire Cardi B album, compared notes and dissected lyrics, threw in some French rap songs I've been obsessing over before ending the night with Ye Halka Halka by Nusrat ji.
And through it all, I just had to reflect on what a rich childhood, one of pure abundance, I was gifted, in having the parents I have. Despite growing up on the poverty line, I got to experience the world in such a unique way. They let us run with most of our ideas quite freely, enabling us to access resources like the library to dig into our interests. From trips to India where we got to play with everyone from the street kids to other Americans to being evangelists at conferences for Indian doctors, we were treated like people with opinions that mattered from our childhood. My parents have indulged whatever new fascination we have had, engaging with us, challenging us to think critically and being proponents of equal rights. Maybe that's why they feel more like trusted friends/advisors than looming parental figures.
To end my global mishmash of all of the music in my head, I end with one of my favorite lyrics from the seminal 2011 Bollywood film, Murder 2, that captures my relationship with my mom perfectly.
Jab jab tere paas mein aaya, ik sukoon mila. Jisein main tha bhool tha aya, wah wajud mila. Jab aaye mausam gham ke, tujhe yaad kiya. Jab sehme tanha pan se, tujhe yaad kiya. #100daysofturninginwards #100daysofpratyahara #sareelove #sarinotsorry #iwearhandloom #keepcalmandsareeon
. That’s the day I became a proud father! 
.” So I cried some more and then I laughed because I think that sums up my Pita for you all. I’m going use the next posts to talk about my dad because so much came up when I started writing.