Life can be quite a circular narrative, forcing you into experiencing the same lessons until mastery or until you choose to approach the lesson differently. And so, I end my year with the same intention with which I started it, to "love more", amended with the realization that to do this means to start with myself.
After a personally devastating 2017, losing friends, loves, faith and with it, my sense of identity, I found myself, in 2018, hanging on to everything I did have, desperately clinging to semblances of love and affection without realizing that I was depleting my own reserves. I welcomed new people into my life and found myself prioritizing their needs, desires and values over my own, relying on their attention for validation and falling victim to comparison, the biggest deterrent to gratitude. Instead of celebrating my personal victories, I told myself it wasn't enough that I did "x" and if I only put in this much more "y" maybe it would feel better. I had so many amazing days, chance encounters, special conversations, moments that touched my soul and yet I still found myself unfulfilled and hankering for more.
In all of this, I woefully forgot to stop and take inventory of all of the things that went so right they blew my mind away. In between fulfilling a goal to travel every month and foster my love of music through concerts, I got a promotion and finally said bye to a long commute by moving to a beautiful home in the South Bay. I paid off my student loans and treated myself. I made my health a priority and found myself heading to the gym 4x a week as a #bbggirl. My brother worked at Blue Bottle Coffee and then started at Google, fulfilling a dream of his to move to New York. My mother is in the best health of her life and my dad has spent lots of quality time at home.
I realized so much of this forgetfulness was a byproduct of my own internalized self-disrepect. It is easy to try and love others for who they are. But turning inwards and working with all that you are, were and aspire to be - that is a task.
So I start now.
Love yourself, more, now. However that looks, with whatever it takes, by just showing up a bit more for you. #2019
